i was the last to leave the house which flip-flopped between the baby blue of winter or early spring and shallow sunshot shade of a summer afternoon and it looked nothing like it does it was a sort of homely amalgamation of rooms fictional and non fictional but before that dream was another dream about an organisation? that randomly/purposely gets u addicted to a drug gets random ppl addicted dependent on a drug and it was rly scary… Anyways digress i was running about the house frantically racked w anxiousness bcos no one had cleaned d place up and I had to catch a train. That lonely feeling like a feeling of desolation everywhere. Of silence that in normal life doesn’t scare me maybe makes me sad but here it had a kind of fear attached to it and a sense of being left behind. When I got to the station I spoke to a ticket man for ages. Idk what about now. Then I realised I forgot my ticket and other stuff. I ran back and left my suitcase and shit w him. I knew I was going to miss my train. And the feeling of that was deathlike, bcos I rly wanted to get out of there n go home, and I was anxious about getting kicked out of my house. Back at the house I spent time looking for ticket and something else. A worker was there n he told me to clean up all these glasses left in bedroom bcos what he was implying was the landlord will use it against me as a cause of the mould. I might get kicked out - but what I felt about that was so much worse than d reality of being kicked out. So then I frantically started cleaning stuff a bit but there was just so much. Everything was v cluttered and objectively it was all warm n friendly but the feeling… it was so anxious and terrible to me.. how can I describe the light? It felt like from years and years ago. It was dusty shady sunlight but airy and cool, not heavy. there was all this rotten wood from old broken tables and I was trying to get rid of it. It was splintering. There’s something like that in my parents room irl. I was gna be an hour late for my train but hoped the ticket man would let me thru w/o buying another ticket. I was so stressed and anxious n panicked. I was scared of the worker man a bit bcos I was alone in the house and he was quiet and odd n maybe was debris from the first dream about the drug. The house scared me a bit actually. Then when I finally decided to go (I feel like I kept returning to things and then i went into my bedroom from my actual home and started taking all this underwear n wondered if I had even packed underwear initially and as I did that I got frightened about my stuff I had left w ticket man thinking it would be stolen or even if it wasn’t that it was now an hour later and I couldn’t prove it was mine n someone else might take it, prove it was there’s) I went into living room from actual irl home and my dad was in his chair and he told me in this strained jovial way, fast, fast like I didn’t hear it properly the first time, that my godmother had died —and the crushing feeling I felt was so painful and terrible — but airy and lonely —like nothing else other than death makes u feel I burst out crying so big and bad